she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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