you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize