YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
