I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
