I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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