he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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