k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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