peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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