8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
