Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
