i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
