i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
