The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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