absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
