you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
