I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
