She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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