He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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