i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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