I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
