i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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