My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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