i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
