bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
smell my finger.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Randomize
