he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
