she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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