put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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