So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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