I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
