So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
