dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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