Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
