they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
