so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
