My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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