Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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