I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
