I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
