this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize