please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
