I want to make a zoo with you.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
