Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I intend to get homeless drunk
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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