She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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