haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
