i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
