I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
