We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
