Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
