I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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