HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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