ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Don't make out with my wife yet
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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