That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I need a beard to bite.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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