she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize