Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
