tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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