I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
