I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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