I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
