I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
