She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
