Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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