I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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