I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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