When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
