I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
