just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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