I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
