Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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