Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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