I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
