I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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