This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
