Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
