Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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