It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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