his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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