Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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